The Caregiver Cafe Podcast
The Caregiver Cafe Podcast

Episode 23 · 3 months ago

23: My mother wants to move in with me but I am not ready


I totally understand you and this is exactly why I decided to highlight this in this episode. Are you curious to find out how to resolve this? Press play on this episode.


Youtube: Jacksonville's Best Caregivers

LinkedIn: Rosalind Jones

Instagram: @rozcaregiverconsulting 

Blog: The Caregiver Cafe Blog


Hey Guys, how are you doing today? Can I get you started with something to drink, because you're aging loved one home alone forgetting to take medicine or pay bills. The Caregiver Cafe with Roz Jones has a menu of resources to serve your caregiver needs. As a caregiver, Roz understands your daily challenges. This podcast focuses on the unique and dynamic issues of caregiving. Hi, I was young, the CEO and owner of Jessica's best kidgivers. Well, you help to expand the life of your loved one. Why do I do it? I do want to help the kid. Give it to reduce that s o s on your journey, which is being stressed, overwhelmed, and provide and safe to insecuting. When you can't do it all, you give us a pall. Do you know what we're talking about? What if your mom or dad decides to move in with you? What are you gonna do? Let's just say your mom, uh, do you have a choice to do so? Once again, I want to thank KBC and media. I want to thank them for Simoncasting us. Not only you're on clubhouse, but also on Roku Lincoln. I G twitch and I think I got everything. And once again we want to thank our media partners, can be seeing broadcasting us live on all these social media. So tonight we are talking about you know, my mother wants to live with me, but I'm not ready. How many of us, how many of us, uh, at one point or another have possibly already had this discussion with our parents that Um, you know, if if something happens to dad, you can moving with me, and something happens to mom, you can move it with me. And now the time, this year, and are you ready? Are you ready for your mom to move in? Can you handle it? And sometimes we can't and sometimes we can't. So let's let's go ahead and deep God in right away. First thing we want to talk about is the relationship. Now, was the relationship strained before she asks to move in? Did you guys have a good relationship with it hugs and kisses, or was it a role in the jungle like Muhammad Ali and Joe Frasian? Have you all gone thirteen rounds? So these are the things that you need to consider before, you know, your mom moves in or your dad, and then when? When? When? When you think about relationships, Um, and and they're moving in. If you have children, if you have a husband, how is this going to impact them? There are a lot of questions. There are a lot of unknowns when you have someone else that's gonna be moving in with you, particularly your mother, when you have two women coming into a house, it could be a whole situation. I would think, all those who are coming into the room, shelley, Carroll and Renee, we're talking about my mother wants to move in, but I'm just not ready and we got a situation. And so the first thing we're talking about is the relationship prior to her moving in. You have a good relationship woman, fuzzy, you know, hug your Kissy, or was it a rumbling the jug, like a fight between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazer? So we have those two sides and that we may have the middle. And then also too, as we talk about is mom gonna move in with me? Are there other siblings that you may want to consider before she moves in with you? So these are some of the things that we have to think about. There's some of the things that we have to think about before we leat, and I'm saying mother because a lot of times, you know, the mother is usually Um, the paig up, the page, matron our of the family, and she has a lot of Um. This says suggestions about how things may need to go...

...on in your house, even though you have your own house set up the way it's supposed to be. Whether that's your mother or your mother in law, there could be a situation. So we have to talk about again. You know, are you married? When, if your mother's gonna talk about moving in? Is Your your do you have children? Do you have step children? Do you have pets? These are the things that you have to talk about. You know, was a relationship healthy? It wasn't a problem, a problem relationship. What about privacy? And a long time once she moves in, some of that mean time is gonna be gone to we time. These are the thing that you have to think about. If you are having to comments or anything, please share them in the chat. I would love to hear your thoughts on you know, if your mother decides moving, are you ready? Behind you? Are you are? Are you really ready? Okay, so you know, once you start talking about talking, all your mother starts talking to you about I want to move in, but in your mind I may not be ready. So you have to look at what am I going to give up or her to come in? Are you ready to get better? Have you are really sat down and talked about your relationship? Have you talked about the adjustments in the house? This is so important. When you have not only your mother, but even your father or even anyone that is sick that's gonna live with you either for a short or long period of time, what is the relationship before they come in the house? This is so important. So you have to establish this. Can we belong? Can we live together and get a long and in fact, if the answer is yes, of course you have to establish your relationship. It's gonna be different her living out of the house versus her of the end the house. There's gonna be a different relationship, different rules of regulations and you know, your mother may have to understand that she's not the woman of the house anymore, but you're the woman of the House. So that relationship is gonna Change, and so you all are gonna have to really sit down and talk about that also too, if you have siblings, how are siblings going to come into this relationship as well? Will they be able to come and take your mom, you know, cause you give you a little break, or are you an only child, you won't have a break. These are some of the things that you need to think about as you have this conversation about possibly having your mother moved in, and I see my co host is coming in, comes feller, Marshall, cous fellow, would you like to go ahead and uh introduce yourself and talk a little bit about the topic, because I know this is close to your heart because you had to move in with you. Oh, I H we're able. What uh hey, because she...

...would always do the last one, very, very good Gatah takes place. was just you avoid each of our backs. I was a want that and I okay, I do really do help one to help me teach you. I don't probably I want people like this, but unfortunately my um sister, she was she don say. Yeah, thank you so much, postable. I mean what what you're talking about is just what I just talked about. The relationship when your mother or father, but I'm the same mother, because the mother is usually the more dominant uh in the relationships with the parents. You know, she's the matriarch. Things are going to change, like I said, the relationship prior to her moving in was that she was the mother and you were the child, and now that she's moving into the house, you are the head of the House and she is the, you know, a person living there. She's still your mom, but the major decisions that go on in the house would have to come from, you know, either come sweller or come from you, you know, whoever the child is. That's what's gonna Happen then also too. You have to understand too. I talked about having, you know, the husband is also in the house possibly, or even the children or even grandchildren. These are the relationships that we have to consider that when they come in, and you have to understand some of your prophecy is gonna be gone. From the meantime, we talked about that one of my needs versus my parents needs. Uh, you know, can I meet all of our needs? And the need to Bens some one in. These are some of the things that you really need to talk about, you know, before the person you know moves in, you gotta talk about our relationship because it's gonna Change as still as you cross that threshold. The relationship is going to change and we need to have our conversation about this so that when you get in you're not walking on edge heels and I don't feel better and I don't want to have to put on this wonder woman came to have to fly around and handle everything for you, at your back and call, because it's not gonna happen. This is what I'm talking about. To let the role is going to change. You know, you know, so you know. If I don't keep my house as clean as You keep your house, well, you know, we can beat the hill made or you can help you clean you. That we have to talk about, so, you know, understanding her needs versus your needs when they come in.

So this way we're talking about now. The next thing is we talked about the home. There will go again, so safe for instance, Um, your mother moves in, does that mean that we have to build an extra room on? As a child, gonna give up a room, as a husband and wife, gonna give up the office, you know, our children gonna have to share a room. What are some of the things that are going to have to happen? You know, we're talking about the house now, talking about relationship for us. Now we're talking about if they do move in, the decision has been made, what are we gonna have to do to accommodate the needs of this person moving in and the House is already poor? We have a full house. What's gonna have to change? Okay, you know what type of devices may have to be put into a bathroom, so far as al raised toilet or are are you know, grab bars? These type of things are shower chair? What is going to have to be adapted for this person to move in? Well, this person to live in a regular bed or a hospital bed. And if they do, where is that extra bed gonna go now, since we may not have room? These are the things that we have to talk about, you know, before the how are we going to adjust the house? How is that going to happen? You know. Are we looking at the bedroom? Do we have to like this? We convert converted office into a bedroom, converted garage into bedroom? Where one of the children have to give give up their bed? Well, one of those sparses have to give up your office? These are the things that you have to talk about before the person moves in. Are the doors wide enough or a wheelchair? Are the A P A complainant? These are things that we have to talk about. So I'M gonna turn it back to old toscrol, because I know when I'm mom moving, I know you have to make a justice to the house. A swellow. Oh okay, M hm, it's quite just Um Diddam, but she didn't want to hear...

...story. All she had and that's why and exactly. I'm so glad you said that. How sweller is the exception and not the rule, because she has to go to that physical challenge in the wheelchair. So, as she heard, she built the house knowing that she had to accompan in her daughter and possibly taking care of her mother, as she did, or even her mother in law. But a lot of times when we build a house we built it for a lifetime or not understanding the lifetime, not understanding the aging process along with that. So far as when your mother moves in, we want to thank Um, all those who are in the room, denise and Boyd Jones. Hey, Boyd, how are you, Darling? That's be glad you're in. If you have any comments about, you know, possibly your mother moving in with you, uh, this is great. So I'm just first of all, I talked about your relationship. We have to talk about that before your your mother moves in, but Cretually, either if you're single or you're married. If you're single, it could be a situation, you know, in case you're still dating or whatever. And if you're married, it still could be a situation because you have a whole family in there. So, with that being said, we talked about the house. We talked about Um, you know, having grab bars. Now I'm I'M gonna ask this question because some parents do. If your parents smoke, your parents would be a smoker. I'm just talking if your parents are a smoker. If they smoke, can you have them come and live with you, because they don't want to smoke in the house. They're not gonna want to go outside, you know, if they were smoking in their house, they want to go to problem. When they get to your house, they're gonna light it up, baby, and it's gonna smell like a whole tobacco factory. So if someone smoke or someone drinks, can you handle that if you're not a smoke or a drinker? These are the things that we have to talk about to the person movement in Um. Does my parents have a pet? And you might. You might have pet care allergies. These are things that we have to talk about. So as they move in, you know that's because it say I want to move in if you're not ready, and later on we're gonna talk about other options. Okay, now let's talk about personal care, personal care and daily, daily activities. Personal Care. What if your parents can't bathe themselves, can you handle bathing them and and and the and their private areas? If you can't handle that, then that's when you have to hire someone to come in. Okay, I'm being honest. I'm being honest. You know. So you know we have to look at you know, can they bathe theirselfs? Can you bathe them? Because you know, you know what they might say. I don't want nobody come again.

I want to save money. I want you to do it. Yeah, I don't want to look at you. I'll I'll just be honest. I don't want to look at all of that. I don't want to look at it. Okay, I'm just saying be honest, be honest. Okay. So, do you have the ability to care for your parents? You know, opposing personal check into the party. Wipe them, clean them all of the can you do it? And if you know in your mind. If you can't, then we gotta get somebody in or, you know, we're gonna have to come to you in a facility or somewhere, because I know, I know, personally I cannot do that. Okay. Also, too, when you talk about personal care, not only the health of your mother or what about your health? Can can say, for instance, if you are a person with C op D, You may not be able to lift and cleanness other person because you have a show and it suppress if you're over wait our dobbies or whatever the case may be. Can you are you healthy enough to take care of this person? You know, will I be able to take care of them? You know. Um, and when we talk about personal care, we also have to talk about resting care, care for my personal self. I need to break cast. Someone come in and do that for you, or care someone. Or can you get away? So that's the personal care part that is so important and we're gonna next time. We're gonna talk about is the money. No, honey, when we I always say you'll find out who your families and family and friends are when you're sick and broke. Yeah, I'm just calling the pigport and open me. Have you guys know how I am. You find out who your friends are when you are sick and when you are broke. So when it's time for that since to move into the house, if that decision is made, we gotta talk about the additional expenses that come with someone moving in. I talked about this all the time, but I want to do if one person moves in, your power bill goes up, your food bill goes up, your water bill goes up, uh, just everything goes up. You can take into the doctor your your motive vehicle, Um gas goes up, or you have to pay for transportation. I have a young lady down. Every time she goes to the doctor it's a hundred and fifty dollars round trip for transportation. Let me say that again. It's a hundred and fif three dollars round trip because Medicaid, the Medicare getn't paid for that. Or you'll have to see if you can get your senior citizen bus, which the Council on Aging in your local area, to see if they can come and and do the transportation for you, you know, pick him up taking to the doctor. Sometimes as a nominal feed, you know, five dollars one way five dollars back. That's a whole lot cheaper than a hundred. We pick the dollars a whole lot cheap. I'll just put that out there. So so you know, when we talk about money, what are the additional Spences to the house? Can they help you with it? Because if they're only getting so security, it might be a thousand dollars. Okay. Well, the thousand dollars be able to stretch enough to to steal by their medicine, by their medical supplies, and take care of the caregiver and give you money on whatever else is needing. It ain't gonna work. It's not gonna stretch far enough. That's when you have to step in and may have to supplement, you know, forwart that. So you before they're moving, you need to have some type of financial arrangement. Let me say this again. I'm what. I'm taking care of someone now and I kept telling her she said, Oh,...

I'm only gonna ask the for two to FI dollars and honey, that's only put. It grows for me that they're don't even cover power and everything else. And so once her mother and sister were then how a bill went up by owner dollars. Of course your bill went up by thousand. So she really missed catholicately expensive can swaller. You wanna just you wanna talk about that a little bit? Uh, you don't really. Yah. Yeah, I take what when you like. It's just that anyway possible. Um, she always had my lo before is wing, but she detroid our. Uh. Well, I wanted to. She didn't issues all those guys several years, but I found they hands are really very for not in the beginning to select the home, to a how is coy to be making sure used to be the win is gonna cover the house, to say that the US are gonna be with componising, do you? Because they will the house. But she was wanted to do a Um, talking about so just puts always everywhere is not for yeah, I just bought the other just they just that's what...

...she so we hope a Tila of trying to come around outside right, right Bo. That was the Po that my most just did not want to go there, but she was trying to hold on to me to say again she wouldn't need. She really need. But it's really you know, it's the daughter and I'm pretty sure I'll say her body. It was a prose sometimes we had to always be more back to it's going to go. We have to work together. Absolutely say to watch. It's not like it's all day and it's about my name. You can be the PO poforitable on the poll's the same game. Just the boy come. We just had to say se because maybe to each kept house down all the time. She was a little but it's just like yeah, because how many kids say you buy the whole? Yeah, Games started in house. So no, she didn't like because she had okay, yeah, and those and those are things, like I said before, when someone comes into your home you have to sit down. It either either it's yes or no, negotiate or compromise. This either Yes or no, negotiate or compromise. These are the things that we have to talk about before they come into the home. I have two more things I want to talk about before as we come to a close. Once at that, I want to thank Kate. You seeing media or broadcasting us on Roku, twitch, Linkedin, I G and all the other places, the wonderful places where they send us. So I want to thank them so much for always things so greatial to allow me to come on. The last two things I'm gonna talk about this time. Will I have time during the day to take care of my parents? Yes or no? This is something you need to let them know you're here. But I'm not here time. You know,...

I still have to manage my job, my child care responsibility, uh, you know, taking care of my you know, my husband, uh, and also trying for myself. So as you move, like you said, you put in two houses into one. So that means that we have to adjust some things. It's gonna be sometimes when I have to say no and I don't have to explain why I say no. It's just no, I can't do it. So, you know, these are things that we have to, you know, remember to talk about about time. What are the alternative things that could happen if you don't want your Mama to move in, you really, really really I don't want her to move in. We have independent Um, independent living number one, then we have assistant living and then we have life plan. Community independent living is where it is. What Um? You see these commercials that say, Oh, this is an adult community play golf played, there's go swimming right on a golf cart. The company I told your club living. You know, you see all this, you're like, okay, so, you know, when you're social life and you're playing Bingo and all of this, you give your hit. You know all all you've really done is you downsize out of a house into a smaller maybe bungalow or an apartment that might be anywhere from a thousand to fifteen hundred square feet Max, somewhere in there, and you downside, but you're still independent. You may still have a car or or a golf cart. Assistant living is where you you have moved into a community to where you need some assistance Um being up and take a shower, you need medication, reminder of someone's gonna help you manage your medicine. This is assistant living because you can no longer you you might be starting to have memory issues, incontinent, you're tinkling on yourself. So assistant living and their life plan communities is like a retirement so they have the full care of plan, which is independent, assistant and memory care. They have all three. So you could go from independent living to assistant living and then also in the life so that's the life plan communities where you can I've had some people live in a community like that for twenty years they downsize, they lived independently, uh, and then they went to assist it and then they went to the life plan. So that's the other alternative. If your mom and dad or your mother, whoever you're taking care of, I can't handle you coming in my house. You got to go to one of these places. But I want to tell to you who a ain't your word. I'M gonna be honest with you. Or there to be peace in the Middle East, a sweller, whatever it be, peace in the Middle East, honey, you or or they can get a small apartment close to you in the area if they just want to be that close and you can't be at my house. Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you. My parents and I have already discussed this. Something happens to my dad, my mom goes with my brother and sister, something happens to my mom, my dad comes to me. It's already been discussed. It's already been discussed. We already know what the situation is. You know, you know. I know the black people of the family and I'm all right with that. I Love Your Mama. I love you from a distance. Understand your limitations. Don't do it. If you know, if you know you, if you know, you're Je last week I talked about protecting your peace. If you are gonna jeopardize your peace and your joy or someone else, you're wrong. You are so wrong, because if you're miserable, they're gonna...

...see that you feel that why you're taking care of them. So I just wanted to mention that. Some talks. Well, I'm gonna give you a minute and you we're gonna wrap up because I know my my my producers prob wouldn't kill me. Go ahead, talks for a real quick we have anything else you want to say? Yeah, mm HMM. Yeah, you can really much you want to each other and that's a whole lot to time to be there. They don't work and he's not making not done. Needs your suffer to get somebody do. They don't now welcome. You're not happy because the personalities and it's just not make a question of happy home Um, if not yet even doing together to try to be that place for keepulize your hoptions. Anything right, but you know, okay, okay, thank you so much, transm once again, I want to thank TV seeing and our viewers. I think we have someone named Ruby Rude and I can tell that's my linked in or youtube. But thank you so much for for joining us. I look forward to you coming back next week. Every Wednes ye at nine pm eastern time, we come on and we talk about all things care giving, from a movie to the to the honey, and so I would really enjoy for you to come back or even to watch the replay and give us feedback on, you know what resonated with you and if the other topics, please give them in the comment or email me at a CIS Liz Jones at, I'm sorry, at Assists Ros Jones at Gmail Dot Com. So just a quick reecat. We're talking about my mother wants to move in with me and I'm not ready. So we talked about number one, the relationship. Number two, we talked about the home. Number three, we talked about personal care, we talked about money, time and then we talked about the alternative place, ridiculive if you know you can't get wrong with your your mother honey. We talked about the fourth. The three are turned into places which with the independent living, assisted living and life plan community. I want to thank everybody that came through the room tonight. Um, renee, you are our number one fan. We love you. How Speller, you are the greatest host on this side of the earth and I appreciate you. KBC and media, thank you so much for broadcasting us and giving us the opportunity to reach places where I could not have done it by myself. UH, and Ruben says, thank you. Our watch the replay. been looking for some...

...four community for a long time. I'm already at care of it here, starting some compassion fatigue. Uh Wow. We'll be get in contact with me and we can uh, you know, talking through some things, counsewell, and I can maybe get you through on a zoom and maybe see what's going on to get some resources in the area where you leave, where you live, to help you with that fatigue, because we don't want you to become bitter, we want you to become better and we want to help you navigate this kids. Give a journey. Um, I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to be alone. Take off that, take off that cave, honey and that and and you know, you don't want you to put on the cap and trying to find you everything okay. So once again, uh, I'm Roch Young. Your summer casting from clubhouse through KBC and media with uh, we're on Linkedin, clubhouse, Youtube, I think, and I g facebook and everyone wrote and twitch, and that's where TBC and media is sending us. So once again I want to thank you. Ruby said, thank you. You're welcome, Donny. So make sure you get in contact with this. So, with that being said, we are getting way in the room and I'm going to turn it back over to my producer for the closing outtrow. Until your next visit to the caregiver cafe, connect with Ros on Youtube, linked in and her blog at the caregiver cafe dot net. Caregiver Cafe podcast specializes in serving those who provide care and support to a sick or aging loved one. I'm the voice guy, but I'm one of you, so when Roz has on experts or frontline workers, I'm listening. We hope you've enjoyed the show. In the meantime, don't forget to connect with Ras on Youtube, linked in or at the blog at the caregiver cafe dot netw.

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